So.
Not quite sure what I'm going to write about tonight.
I was just sitting here, watching Stephen playing Sims and watching Walk the Line, and I just felt like I should write.
-Edit-
I started to write this post… and it was going nowhere. Here's the deal:
(This is about to get real)
I'm honestly doing great. Life is progressing how it should be and I'm growing a lot.
BUT
This has not been easy. Parts have, but only because I've been getting alot of help.
Other parts, however, like… 80% of the time :P, have been rather difficult.
I'm really rather torn on how much I should say, for everyone's sake.
Quick happy side-note: I blessed and took the Sacrament for the first time in a LONG time this past Sunday :). It was really cool. I was quite nervous about blessing it haha, it's been a while.
Anyway,
I keep asking Steve how much I should write, and he keeps rambling on about:
"Say what you need to say,"
"Don't you feel that tingling in your balls?"
"Say whatever the freak you want!"
I've never spent so long staring at the computer screen trying to sort out my thoughts and censor myself.
Let me get one thing straight:
This blog post is for no one's benefit except for my own. This is just a venue for me to vent and get crap out that I normally don't like to project. So if you're reading this and you think that what you might read will somehow affect how you're feeling right now in anyway, stop reading. Chances are, what I'm about to write will:
A) Have nothing to do with you
B) Have a lot to do with you or someone in your life
C) Make you want to hit me
D) Both B and C
E) Pancakes
So stop reading. No seriously, stop, cuz.. like.. I'm about to write deep things that most people shouldn't read.
Here's the deal. Life is both great and it kinda sucks right now.
On one hand, I've been doing everything that has been asked of me and because of that I'm doing really well. I'm getting ready to be ordained an Elder and put in my Mission papers, and it all will be happening really soon. Like, less than 3 weeks from now, I hope.
I really have been so blessed to be where I am right now.
On the other hand, the more selfish of the two (right hand), this is really rough.
I broke up with my girlfriend about a month ago. It was the right thing to do, and I know that. There are so many reasons why it had to happen. I got a lot of help from God during all of that. I prayed so hard. The hardest I've ever prayed about anything. I asked for help, guidance, strength, to know what to say, to be able to do it. I knew it was what I needed to do and I wasn't going to go against what I knew to be right, despite how much I love her.
So I did it, and while I know it was the right thing to do, it definitely doesn't make things any easier.
-No really, if you're reading this, stop.-
I miss her so much. All the time. Every stupid-freaking-lame-otherfrustratedword(s) night I dream about her.
Yeah, I seem like I'm doing great. And by golly, I am. But what I don't let people see (most of the time) is that I'm a big mess. Posting all of this goes against everything I've been trying to keep up with this facade, but let's call this a weak moment. A vent post. A, holy freaking crap this is killing me, post.
All I want to say to her is how I feel:
How much I miss her,
How much I love her,
How much I wish it didn't have to be this way right now,
How much I think about her and hope she's doing well,
How much I wish we could still talk, do stupid things, go on adventures, do absolutely nothing and be 100% okay with it, be lazy together, everything.
I miss my best friend.
I'm trying to make everything as easy as possible for her. I know this isn't easy. So I keep my distance. I try my hardest not to think about her. To stay occupied with other things, to be PATIENT (which seems to be the only answer I get nowadays).
I know this might all come off as sounding ungrateful, but that's not true. I really am so insanely thankful for everything. I've learned so much and grown so much lately. I've had experiences that I feel I don't deserve, and I'm overwhelmed by how much Heavenly Father cares for us.
But.. at the same time it hurts.
A lot.
And I know that's part of the point. It's not supposed to be easy.
Honestly, without Steve being around me so much lately; I quite possibly would've lost it quite some time ago. Thanks bro, you keep me sane.
I guess the moral of the story is that I wish that
well
I could have her back.
And that's the frustrating-beyond-all-measure part.
Every now and then, whenever I'm asking for strength and guidance because I'm not used to this whole being alone thing, and wondering if I've even met the person I'm supposed to spend eternity with, she pops in my head. And I can't allow that. I can't tell now if it's just me putting her in my head at those points or if it's something else but it's driving me crazy. How is that supposed to work? I just broke up with her and now my name is Mud to her whole family, people who I also love. It's just.. a lot to process and I try to not allow myself to think like that. Not now. As much as I hope and wish that that is what will eventually happen, I can't handle that right now.
This is going to seem like a tangent but it'll connect in a bit:
This will sound odd, but I can literally feel my capacity to love grow. I'll find myself sitting at a stoplight while I'm at work and I'll just see someone crossing the street, and as strange as it is, I will feel this overwhelming compassion towards them. It kinda freaks me out haha, because in that moment I feel like I would do anything for that person.
Simultaneously, my feelings for Liz do the same thing.
IT KILLS ME
I think I understand, at least in part, why I feel this happening. I need to unconditionally love the people I will serve on my mission. Also, I've felt my Savior's and my Heavenly Father's love for me, and I know that He loves all of us equally and so I know how much these people, people I don't even know sometimes, mean to Him and it just, hits me right in the chest. I want everyone to know how much He cares for us.
So I feel like maybe this is just all to help prepare me.
.. Scratch that-I know that everything that's happening is to prepare me for what's to come.
I'm not going to pretend even for a second that I know what all Heavenly Father has in store for me, but I know that He won't put me through anything that won't benefit me.
But right at this moment, I really wish I still had my best friend.
I should get off my soapbox now.
Sorry for the abrupt ending, it's late and I"m.. tired. and a mess> and not using proper punctation anymore^
Earl out
