Time to Expound

So there I was, in a rut. It sucked. 

That was a poem I just wrote for all (2?) of you.

I'm really only blogging right now because I'm at my parents house with a few minutes to spare and I only really do this whole thing when I have access to an actual computer. So... yeah.

Well, I guess I'll tell you about life in recent times!
I think I'll start this story at the end, and then go to the beginning, periodically returning to the end, perhaps with other character's perspectives throughout. Otherwise it's just sort of a linear--

"JUST TELL US WHAT HAPPENED!"

Okay, okay.

So there I was, for months I had been in a rut that was quite similar to the first twenty-four months of post-graduation life. My life was stagnant(http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=G2y8Sx4B2Sk). I wasn't going anywhere. And then I moved, and things changed. If you wanna know more about that time, then go back a few posts.

And then once again... Stagnancy. I don't think that's a word, but I don't mind it too much. For months, it was just the same old thing everyday, and I wasn't really happy. There were great things that happened in those months, don't get me wrong, it's not like I was in the gall of misery or anything, but the overall theme was that I wasn't where I wanted to be. I wasn't who I wanted to be.

So after a lot of personal reflection, some personal experiences, and a kick-in-the-pants by my best friend, I decided enough was enough. It's never easy to give up things that are comfortable to you, things that you might feel like you need. It is worth it though to take stock of all the things in your life, and really dwell on what makes you happy and what doesn't. That way, you can repurpose yourself: your energies, your emotions, all'a that onto the things that give you peace.

So that's what I did. And it was easier than I thought it would be. Staying focused and putting forth the energy necessary to keep myself where I need to be, and doing what I need to be doing, I've changed a lot of things about my life that I didn't like, and ya know what? I've never been happier :).

I started my mission papers... :D and I'm all set to be ordained an Elder in my church tomorrow. My attitude towards most everything in my life has been altered. Many of my opinions have changed, and I've grown to love and appreciate my friends and family infinitely more- or at least it feels that way. I hope I externalize that enough and make those whom I care about feel thus. (Biblical on yo' vocabulary! Word!)

I wanted to have my papers done by now, but I've been at work everyday during the hours when I need to get my dental and physical examinations done :(. But such is life, things don't work out the way you plan them to sometimes. I will have them done by the end of this next week, though. I hope to be serving the Lord full-time very soon.

Yes, ladies and gentleman, it's actual-really-truly happening :).

Maybe I'll write more in the coming weeks, but maybe I won't :P.

Hope all of you are doing well :) Have a great 2013!!!

Earl out

Ladies and gentleman, it is going to be a great year :). The best I've ever had, I'm sure. I couldn't be more excited/anxious for what's to come and I thank everyone who's had a part in it :). Also, holy-freaking fantastic New Years Eve night :D.
2013, let's do this.
Many, many good things happening.. :)
Earl out

I'mm'a do 'dis doe

So, it's been a while. 

I seriously have no clue what to write about.

So, I live in Orem! You all know this.

I'm LOVIN' it. (badah buh BUH buuuhhhh)

My apt. is kickin'.

My job is getting better and better (it still has its bad days, but whatev).

My ward seems really, really solid. I wish I was more confident and outgoing sometimes because there's so many cool people! But I just have a hard time getting out there. It took me a solid 10 weeks at this new Papa John's until I have felt like I can be myself and be comfortable, and wouldn't you know it, that a HUGE reason as to why I'm enjoying it more now!

I'm pretty involved in my ward right now. I'm a "Ward Music Committee Chairperson." 

(I lead the music)

I bring the bread for the Sacrament e'ry week. 

I'm supposed to call people before church to ask if they can pass/bless, but I haven't heard back about whether or not I'm actually supposed to do that, I think it's kind of an awkward calling, so I'm not complaining. Maybe they decided against it. 

Wow, this is not a very exciting post. Sorry! 

Me and Stephen made a music video! It's pretty awesome, I think. Check it out, maybe.

Simply About Us

All things considered, my life is going quite well right now. I'm still working towards getting out on my mission, and things are going well. I'm still trying to improve and progress, and I hope to be gone by Christmas! 

My family from Virginia is coming out for Christmas so it would be perfect if my farewell were around that time. 

Life is good. I love my family and friends.

Special shoutouts go to:

Lizzie Keefe

Stephen Allen

Anna Cordner

Samantha Rizzo

Mama

Anyway, I'm sure this post is very riveting and All That, buuut I'mm'a stop for now.

Earl out

This post is not for everyone, so read at your own discretion. It's long(just like this title), and daunting, so maybe you should quit now.

So.
Not quite sure what I'm going to write about tonight.
I was just sitting here, watching Stephen playing Sims and watching Walk the Line, and I just felt like I should write.

-Edit-
I started to write this post… and it was going nowhere. Here's the deal:
(This is about to get real)
I'm honestly doing great. Life is progressing how it should be and I'm growing a lot.
BUT
This has not been easy. Parts have, but only because I've been getting alot of help.
Other parts, however, like… 80% of the time :P, have been rather difficult.

I'm really rather torn on how much I should say, for everyone's sake.

Quick happy side-note: I blessed and took the Sacrament for the first time in a LONG time this past Sunday :). It was really cool. I was quite nervous about blessing it haha, it's been a while.
Anyway,

I keep asking Steve how much I should write, and he keeps rambling on about:
"Say what you need to say,"
"Don't you feel that tingling in your balls?"
"Say whatever the freak you want!"

I've never spent so long staring at the computer screen trying to sort out my thoughts and censor myself.
Let me get one thing straight:
This blog post is for no one's benefit except for my own. This is just a venue for me to vent and get crap out that I normally don't like to project. So if you're reading this and you think that what you might read will somehow affect how you're feeling right now in anyway, stop reading. Chances are, what I'm about to write will:
A) Have nothing to do with you
B) Have a lot to do with you or someone in your life
C) Make you want to hit me
D) Both B and C
E) Pancakes

So stop reading. No seriously, stop, cuz.. like.. I'm about to write deep things that most people shouldn't read.


Here's the deal. Life is both great and it kinda sucks right now.
On one hand, I've been doing everything that has been asked of me and because of that I'm doing really well. I'm getting ready to be ordained an Elder and put in my Mission papers, and it all will be happening really soon. Like, less than 3 weeks from now, I hope.
I really have been so blessed to be where I am right now.
On the other hand, the more selfish of the two (right hand), this is really rough.
I broke up with my girlfriend about a month ago. It was the right thing to do, and I know that. There are so many reasons why it had to happen. I got a lot of help from God during all of that. I prayed so hard. The hardest I've ever prayed about anything. I asked for help, guidance, strength, to know what to say, to be able to do it. I knew it was what I needed to do and I wasn't going to go against what I knew to be right, despite how much I love her.
So I did it, and while I know it was the right thing to do, it definitely doesn't make things any easier.

-No really, if you're reading this, stop.-

I miss her so much. All the time. Every stupid-freaking-lame-otherfrustratedword(s) night I dream about her.
Yeah, I seem like I'm doing great. And by golly, I am. But what I don't let people see (most of the time) is that I'm a big mess. Posting all of this goes against everything I've been trying to keep up with this facade, but let's call this a weak moment. A vent post. A, holy freaking crap this is killing me, post.

All I want to say to her is how I feel:
How much I miss her,
How much I love her,
How much I wish it didn't have to be this way right now,
How much I think about her and hope she's doing well,
How much I wish we could still talk, do stupid things, go on adventures, do absolutely nothing and be 100% okay with it, be lazy together, everything.

I miss my best friend.

I'm trying to make everything as easy as possible for her. I know this isn't easy. So I keep my distance. I try my hardest not to think about her. To stay occupied with other things, to be PATIENT (which seems to be the only answer I get nowadays).

I know this might all come off as sounding ungrateful, but that's not true. I really am so insanely thankful for everything. I've learned so much and grown so much lately. I've had experiences that I feel I don't deserve, and I'm overwhelmed by how much Heavenly Father cares for us.
But.. at the same time it hurts.
A lot.
And I know that's part of the point. It's not supposed to be easy.
Honestly, without Steve being around me so much lately; I quite possibly would've lost it quite some time ago. Thanks bro, you keep me sane.

I guess the moral of the story is that I wish that
well
I could have her back.
And that's the frustrating-beyond-all-measure part.

Every now and then, whenever I'm asking for strength and guidance because I'm not used to this whole being alone thing, and wondering if I've even met the person I'm supposed to spend eternity with, she pops in my head. And I can't allow that. I can't tell now if it's just me putting her in my head at those points or if it's something else but it's driving me crazy. How is that supposed to work? I just broke up with her and now my name is Mud to her whole family, people who I also love. It's just.. a lot to process and I try to not allow myself to think like that. Not now. As much as I hope and wish that that is what will eventually happen, I can't handle that right now.

This is going to seem like a tangent but it'll connect in a bit:
This will sound odd, but I can literally feel my capacity to love grow. I'll find myself sitting at a stoplight while I'm at work and I'll just see someone crossing the street, and as strange as it is, I will feel this overwhelming compassion towards them. It kinda freaks me out haha, because in that moment I feel like I would do anything for that person.
Simultaneously, my feelings for Liz do the same thing.
IT KILLS ME

I think I understand, at least in part, why I feel this happening. I need to unconditionally love the people I will serve on my mission. Also, I've felt my Savior's and my Heavenly Father's love for me, and I know that He loves all of us equally and so I know how much these people, people I don't even know sometimes, mean to Him and it just, hits me right in the chest. I want everyone to know how much He cares for us.
So I feel like maybe this is just all to help prepare me.

.. Scratch that-I know that everything that's happening is to prepare me for what's to come.
I'm not going to pretend even for a second that I know what all Heavenly Father has in store for me, but I know that He won't put me through anything that won't benefit me.

But right at this moment, I really wish I still had my best friend.

I should get off my soapbox now.
Sorry for the abrupt ending, it's late and I"m.. tired. and a mess> and not using proper punctation anymore^

Earl out

The Good, The Bad, and The Earl

I have to go to work in less than an hour, so let's see if I can get through this quickly.
Also, a special thank-you to Ashley for leaving her compy at the Apt… :)

So here's the thing.
Within the last month, so much has changed. I live in an unknown land, with strangers and friends. I work at a different store (same company), and out of all the changes the biggest one is MEE (Psych reference).
It's been hard… but it's been the most rewarding month of my life. Everyday I grow and progress towards my goal. I couldn't be more excited to go and serve our Heavenly Father.
Coming this far has taken a lot of pushing, prayer, guidance, friends, and faith; but I know things are as they should be. This is where I need to be right now, I know that. It's an incredible feeling to know that you are guided and loved by our Heavenly Father. It's a feeling that he gives freely, if you are willing to open your heart and your mind.

So many things have happened that I couldn't even begin to explain. I've had to make some of the hardest decisions of my life these last couple weeks. It hasn't been easy, and it still isn't. I don't know if it will ever get easier, but I know that the Lord won't give me something that He knows I wouldn't be able to handle.

I've received my answer. It was a truly ineffable feeling. I'll attempt to put words to it anyway..
It was just the warmest, most sincere love that I've ever felt. It was beautiful.

 I truly hope that whoever reads this reads this does so with an open mind and heart. I know I seem kinda like a "Jesus Freak," lately, and maybe I am :p. I just want everyone to experience what I have.

I know that our Heavenly Father knows us. He loves us so much. He sent His Son to live and die for us, that through his perfect example we may come closer to Him, and that by his sacrifice we may live forever. It's a priviledge and a responsibility that I don't take lightly. I know that through faith (verb, it's what you do), we can find peace. I bear witness of the truthfulness of these things. I know that if anyone opens themselves fully to the Spirit and they try to search for answers, they'll find them.
I write these things in the name of Jesus Christ, Amen.

Earl out

The Inverse of Earl

I was talking with a friend recently and I stumbled over some words and what I think I said was something about me being an Inverse. I don't remember what we were actually talking about so I can't actually say what the context was. Anyway, it's an interesting statement because in a lot of ways, in the last two weeks I have turned things around completely.

For the first time in my life I know what I want, and the individual steps on how to get there. Also, the motivation that has been lacking my whole life, is now here in full force.

SO much has happened and I've changed a lot of things in my life for the better. With the Lord's guidance and strength, I'll be just fine :).

I just moved out, too.

Things are looking up :)

Earl out

Get it together, Earl

Okay, I just want to say one thing: While I am doing better at this whole "life," thing, I really need to be even mo-betta'. Like, furserious. I'm doing much better with a lot of things, but the root issue is and always has been that for whatever reason, I'm quite unmotivated. Here's the shimmy: There's plenty of aspects/things/whatever in my life to motivate me, I just for some reason have the hardest time acting on it. It's frustrating, to say the least :/. I'll figure it out soon, just you wait. Then you'll all see. :) Earl out